This week’s edition by: David

Well, it’s the end of October. That probably means that here in Poland winter is almost upon us, or rather the cold, winter temperatures. We’re still here though, writing your Speedo Newsletter with gloves on. Read on for the latest news in the world of the Speed School of English, and catch up with the latest episode of Bobby Callan.

In news this week, Daniel had his lecture last Friday. It was a great success, he said, with six students turning up to listen to all things tea-related. A little bird tells me Daniel was even kind enough to give away free tea-bags! Not something that happens every day!

There are a few events this week. First up is Sports Club, with Tom and Ryan. This will take place on Tuesday 30th October, at 6pm. If you’d like more information, see Tom or Ryan, and sign up with the secretaries.

Next up is Ice-Skating Club, with Brian and Matt. This is at the usual place, the ice-rink on ul. Akademicka, on Saturday November 3rd. It’s at 12pm, usual drill applies. See the secretaries!

Then we have Music Club, with Daniel and Marcin. This month we have an old favourite of ours, Jeff, playing at the London Pub on Plac Piastów on Saturday November 10th. Gig starts at 8pm.


So, that doesn’t leave me with much room for anything else! So I’ll tell you a little about a national holiday here in Poland, All Saints’ Day.

This takes place on November 1st, but it hasn’t always been that way. The original All Saints Day was chosen as May 13th, as far back as 609 in the West.

In Poland, the tradition is to light candles. In Spain and Portugal, they take flowers to the graves of friends and family. In England, we just sing hymns.

Originally it commemorated a martyr’s death. As a number of Christians would suffer martyrdom on the same day, a joint celebration for all was created.



The Adventures Of Bobby Callan – Part Five

Bobby walked out of Fudge, carrying Miss Brown as she had drunk too much vodka. She was sick on his shirt. He wondered if he could have it cleaned by Mrs Brown. He didn’t like cleaning, he preferred to have it done for him. It was much easier that way. Another word for sick is vomit, he thought. Why couldn’t girls control themselves after a night out? He felt a bit light-headed himself, and couldn’t wait to sleep. He usually lay in bed for at least eight hours at night, but this would be an exception. A taxi was parked conveniently outside, so he pushed Miss Brown in and asked the driver to take them home. The driver insisted that if Miss Brown was sick in the car the cost would increase by ₤20.
“Twenty pounds?!” Bobby exclaimed. In the old days, that was four hundred shillings.

Bobby awoke with a start just after 10am, and his head felt like it wanted to explode. There was a knock at the door, and in walked Mr Brown.
“What do we say to people between 6am and 1pm Bobby?” he said.
“Ugh… Good morning Mr Brown.. Can I go back to sleep now?” Bobby groaned.
“Bobby, did you just use the verb + back construction? That means to return, did you know that?” Mr Brown was impressed by Bobby’s knowledge of grammar.
“Yes, Mr Brown, I did. It’s common, I believe. Would you mind if I asked you a question?”
“Sure Bobby, I would be glad to help. What is it?” Mr Brown was all ears.
“What would you say was the stock cure for a headache here in Grantchester? Miss Brown took me to Fudge last night...”
“Ah, Bobby, are you asking for my opinion? I believe you used the Subjunctive after the question ‘would you say’. Well done chap!” Mr Brown smiled broadly. “I would say the stock cure for a headache was to lie down and rest. But I’m afraid today that is not possible, so you’ll have to take some medicine. Mrs Brown will help you. She is in the kitchen.”.

Just as Mr Brown was leaving the room, there was another groan, this time female. He turned round to see Miss Brown pop her head from under the blanket. He was surprised, and when people are surprised they usually open their mouths and eyes wide. Mr Brown did exactly that.
“Miss Brown, why on earth are you in Bobby’s bed?”
“Oh, good morning Dad” Miss Brown replied. “I don’t remember last night. We were in Fudge, and I think I drank too much. Bobby and I were dancing. It was great fun! I have a terrible hangover though. What is the stock cure for a headache?”
“Bobby has already asked me that, go see your mother. I must say, I am quite mad about this” Mr Brown snapped.
“What, do you mean you like it? I want to marry Bobby, he’s such a pleasant man.”
It was Bobby’s turn to be surprised, his mouth opened to say something but didn’t. He wasn’t disappointed as he suddenly remembered the way in which Miss Brown was dancing with him. He smiled; she behaves differently when she thinks she is not being observed by her parents, he thought. I could get used to that. He smiled pleasantly at Miss Brown.
“No, I am not happy about it. Quite the opposite. I am furious!” Mr Brown said. “Bobby, you are to leave at once!”
Bobby noted the use of ‘to be’ when something has been planned or ordered.
“It’s ok Miss Brown, today I need to go to the Callan HQ in London. Oxford Street, so I can do some shopping too. The main shopping street in London is Oxford Street.”
Miss Brown gave Bobby her mobile number as he left and promised to text.

Welcome one and all to another edition of The Speedo. We have three new people to introduce: Ryan, from the USA, and Robert and Paul, from the UK. They will be teaching in a classroom near you soon.

Daniel is giving a lecture on that much-loved beverage, tea, this Friday at 19:30, so if you want to come and learn a few things and have a bit of a chat at the same time, sign up for it in the secretaries’ office.

In the meantime, here are a few facts about tea:

80% of office workers in Britain now claim they find out more about what's going on at work over a cup of tea than in any other way.

Tea was created more than 5000 years ago in China.

Tea first appeared in Europe in 1560.

96% of all cups of tea drunk daily in the UK are brewed from tea bags.

Tea is a natural source of fluoride that can help protect against tooth decay and gum disease.

Tea has potential health maintenance benefits in cardiovascular disease and cancer prevention.

Tea contains half the amount of caffeine found in coffee.

By the middle of the 18th Century tea had replaced ale and gin as the drink of the masses and had become Britain's most popular beverage.

The Boston Tea Party was an act of protest by the American colonists against Great Britain in which they destroyed many crates of tea bricks on ships in Boston Harbour. The incident, which took place on December 16, 1773, is said to have helped start the American Revolution.

Without TEA a TEACHER cannot TEACH.

The Adventures of Bobby Callan #4

Bobby was at the Brown family’s home talking to Master Brown.
“If you jumped out of the window”, Bobby said, “would you hurt yourself?”
“Why would I want to jump out of the window?” Master Brown asked.
“It’s only a supposition,” said Bobby. “Of course, you don’t want to jump out of the window, but if you did, would you hurt yourself?”
“I most certainly would,” Master Brown said. Suddenly, Bobby heard a scream and saw the figure of a man falling past the window. Mr Brown had just fallen from the roof. They ran outside to find him lying on the grass.
“Oh no!” Master Brown gasped. “Is he dead?”
“No, I’m not dead”, said Mr Brown, “but I think you should call me an ambulance.”
“Mr Brown”, Bobby replied, “you are an ambulance!”
“What were you doing on the roof?” Master Brown enquired.
“I was fixing the TV aerial as I am constantly having to adjust the TV set in order to get a good, clear picture.”
The ambulance soon arrived and took Mr Brown to the hospital. Mrs Brown had been out shopping, and was horrified to hear the news.
“If I had been here, I wouldn’t have let him climb onto the roof,” Mrs Brown said. Bobby noted her use of the past subjunctive conditional. Mrs Brown hadn’t been there at the time her husband climbed out onto the roof, but if she had been there, she wouldn’t have let him do it.
“What a pity!” Bobby exclaimed.
Later that day, Bobby went shopping with Master and Miss Brown.
“What kind of amusements do you have in your home town?” he asked.
“Well”, said Miss Brown, “we have various pubs, and a cinema.”
“Do you frequent any clubs?” he asked her.
“Only gay clubs,” she replied.
They all went to Tesco, but as they were approaching, Bobby saw a stream of people streaming out of the building in a hurry.
“What are they doing? What are they doing?” Bobby asked.
“Shut up!” Master Brown replied.
“To tell somebody to shut up is not really polite”, said Bobby, “but if we wish to be polite, what ought we to say instead?”
“Shut up, please!” Master Brown replied.
Bobby and Master Brown didn’t speak to each other for the rest of the day. After dinner, Bobby told Miss Brown about his mission to find Robin Callan, the inventor of the Callan Method.
“Do you really believe he’s your great uncle?” she asked.
“Well”, replied Bobby, “we’ve got the same surname.”
“Yes, but I’ve got the same surname as Bobby Brown, the singer, but that doesn’t mean I’m related to him,” she said. The fact that she had the same surname as someone famous brought a mild look of surprise to his face.
“Oh well, whether he’s my great uncle or not doesn’t really matter,” said Bobby. “I’m going to ask him to change the method.”
That evening, Miss Brown took Bobby to ‘Fudge’, her favourite club. They had a marvellous time.

What’s this?

It’s a very dangerous animal.

Last week, Brian and Matt went skating. Only two students showed up. Come on people, let’s see a bit more enthusiasm!!
This week sees the return of Music Club. Marcin will be performing in Łabędy with his band, Papilla.

Word of the Day

Phobia
A fear of something.

e.g.

Ablutophobia - Fear of washing or bathing. Some Callan teachers have this.

Acrophobia – Fear of heights. Some people are afraid of falling from the top of a very high building :)

Ailurophobia – Fear of cats. Be afraid of the cat in the picture!

For a list of phobias, check out http://phobialist.com/




The Adventures of Bobby Callan #3

The plane was about to land and Bobby put his safety belt on, remembering that one puts one’s safety belt on when a plane takes off and lands. He was glad to be back in England and, of course, it was raining. He stepped off the plane under the umbrella Charles had reluctantly lent him.
“What sometimes happens when we let people borrow things that belong to us?” Charles had asked. Charles never lent things to other people, but Bobby had persuaded Charles to lend him his umbrella, promising to return it when he got back to Poland.
Mr Brown was waiting for Bobby at the airport.
“Hello Bobby. I’m Mr Brown” he said.
“Yes, I know,” said Bobby. “I recognise you from book one.” Bobby was surprised because Mr Brown looked exactly like he did in the picture: dressed in a suit, wearing a hat, and holding a cigarette, with a slightly gay expression on his face.
“Where’s Mrs Brown?” asked Bobby.
“She’s waiting in the car,” Mr Brown replied. “How was your flight?”
“It was alright,” Bobby said, “but I don’t like flying, generally.”
“I don’t like flying either,” Mr Brown said. “Some people are afraid that they might get killed when they travel by plane more than by other means of transport because plane crashes are front page news.”
“I dare say you’re right,” Bobby replied.
Mrs Brown was waiting for them outside.
“Hello Bobby,” Mrs Brown said. Bobby could see that Mrs Brown was an attractive woman, with matching handbag and shoes, as it was the fashion among women to match their handbags with their shoes.
“Hello Mrs Brown,” Bobby said. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Did you just use an adjective + infinitive construction?” she said.
“Errr.. yes,” said Bobby. Mrs Brown was obviously familiar with the Callan Method, he thought.
They all got into the car and began the long drive back to Grantchester. Bobby was tired and so fell asleep. He started dreaming about Harry Potter:

“What would you do if this table slowly began to rise into the air without anybody touching it?” Harry asked.
“I would think that you had cast one of your spells,” replied Bobby. “I’m hungry. Can you make a chicken appear so that I can eat?”
“Could you eat a whole chicken?” Harry asked him.
“No. Make it a half,” Bobby said, and immediately a half-chicken appeared.
“Can I have fries with it?” Bobby asked.
“What do you think this is? KFC?” Harry replied angrily, and he turned Bobby into a frog.

Bobby awoke with a start.
“What’s the matter?” Mrs Brown asked.
“I was dreaming about Harry Potter,” Bobby replied. “He turned me into a frog.”
“Good heavens!” she exclaimed.

Next week: Bobby meets Master and Miss Brown!

This week’s edition by: David

Ok, so welcome to the Speedo this week. I’m David, your co-editor. If you’re new to this, keep reading – throughout the year fun will be had and you’ll learn of important events in the school’s calendar and we’ll run many interesting features on the culture of our native countries.

However, as it is still the beginning of the year, there isn’t much news right now. We do have news of one club, the ice-skating club, to be held with Brian and Matt. This takes place on Saturday 6th October, from 12.30-2pm, and is at the ice-skating centre on ul. Akademicka 26. It costs 5zl to skate, and 4zl to hire the equipment. If you would like to go, sign up in the secretaries’ office.

The Monkey-Hanging of Hartlepool

This week, I would like to tell you a little story. Before I came to Poland I lived in a small town named Hartlepool, in North-East England. Now this is not my hometown, but I lived there for six years, and came to learn of a rather embarrassing moment in the town’s history.

During the Napoleonic Wars (between 1799-1815), Britain lived in fear of a French invasion, and the people believed that there were French spies already in Britain. One day, a French ship was wrecked just off the coast of Hartlepool. There was only one survivor, the ship’s pet monkey, dressed in a military uniform. The people of Hartlepool did not know what a French person looked like, and were afraid.
They held a trial on the beach that day, but they obviously didn’t understand the monkey. They came to the conclusion that it was a French spy, and using the mast of a fishing boat, hung the monkey. To this day, the people of Hartlepool are called “monkey-hangers.”

The Adventures Of Bobby Callan – Part Two

Bobby woke up at 7am. It was another cold September morning. These Polish people must be used to cold weather, if it’s this cold in September, he told himself. He wasn’t used to getting up early, but he would soon get used to getting up early. He got out of bed and walked to his bathroom. He washed his face. He always washed before dressing – he couldn’t think of life any other way.

He walked into his kitchen, and made himself some breakfast. None of that traditional Polish stuff, sandwiches and the like, but a nice bowl of cornflakes. He couldn’t understand why people had sandwiches for breakfast – for him, they were lunch. He checked his plane ticket again, confirming that his flight to England was at 11am. He took a sip of his tea. Tea with lemon isn’t sweet, but it’s bitter, he thought. Another thing he couldn’t accept. He would much rather have tea with milk, but he’d just used the last of the milk in his cornflakes.

There was a knock at the door. It was his friend Charles. He used to see Charles quite a lot in the old days, but not as much now that he had changed jobs. They had worked together at another school. They both walked into the bedroom, where Bobby began to pack his suitcase for the trip to see the Browns.

“In what order do you usually pack your suitcase to go on holiday Bobby?” Charles asked.
“Well, first I put in the shoes, then normal clothes, then cosmetics and finally towels.” Bobby replied.
“Come on then, we’d better get you to the airport.” Charles said. “Sometimes I wonder. Is it quicker to fly to England than to go by train and ship?”
“Usually, yes. But I was stuck at an airport for two days once, due to bad weather. In that case, no.” Bobby frowned at this memory.

They drove to the airport, listening to Led Zeppelin on the wireless.
“Hey Bobby, what do you think this town is lacking in more than anything else?” Charles asked.
“Well, I think this town is lacking in good roads more than anything else. This journey is awful, I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster!” Bobby laughed.

They arrived at the airport, and said their goodbyes. Bobby walked up to the check-in desk to be greeted by an attractive girl in a smart uniform. He noted that an attractive girl isn’t necessarily a beautiful girl, but is one that attracts people’s attention because she is interesting and pleasing to look at. This girl was definitely that. He handed over his passport. She looked at it with interest, as it wasn’t Polish, but was British.

“Excuse me sir, I have a question. When you apply for a passport, what do you have to state on the application form? I’m curious. Is it different than here in Poland?”
“Well,” Bobby replied, “When I apply for a passport, I have to state my name, date of birth, hometown, sex and address on the application form.”
“Wow, that is different! Enjoy your flight sir!” She winked at him. Attractive indeed. He walked off, and boarded his flight to England. When the plane takes off, I must fasten my seat-belt around myself, he remembered.