This week’s edition by: David

Ok, so welcome to the Speedo this week. I’m David, your co-editor. If you’re new to this, keep reading – throughout the year fun will be had and you’ll learn of important events in the school’s calendar and we’ll run many interesting features on the culture of our native countries.

However, as it is still the beginning of the year, there isn’t much news right now. We do have news of one club, the ice-skating club, to be held with Brian and Matt. This takes place on Saturday 6th October, from 12.30-2pm, and is at the ice-skating centre on ul. Akademicka 26. It costs 5zl to skate, and 4zl to hire the equipment. If you would like to go, sign up in the secretaries’ office.

The Monkey-Hanging of Hartlepool

This week, I would like to tell you a little story. Before I came to Poland I lived in a small town named Hartlepool, in North-East England. Now this is not my hometown, but I lived there for six years, and came to learn of a rather embarrassing moment in the town’s history.

During the Napoleonic Wars (between 1799-1815), Britain lived in fear of a French invasion, and the people believed that there were French spies already in Britain. One day, a French ship was wrecked just off the coast of Hartlepool. There was only one survivor, the ship’s pet monkey, dressed in a military uniform. The people of Hartlepool did not know what a French person looked like, and were afraid.
They held a trial on the beach that day, but they obviously didn’t understand the monkey. They came to the conclusion that it was a French spy, and using the mast of a fishing boat, hung the monkey. To this day, the people of Hartlepool are called “monkey-hangers.”

The Adventures Of Bobby Callan – Part Two

Bobby woke up at 7am. It was another cold September morning. These Polish people must be used to cold weather, if it’s this cold in September, he told himself. He wasn’t used to getting up early, but he would soon get used to getting up early. He got out of bed and walked to his bathroom. He washed his face. He always washed before dressing – he couldn’t think of life any other way.

He walked into his kitchen, and made himself some breakfast. None of that traditional Polish stuff, sandwiches and the like, but a nice bowl of cornflakes. He couldn’t understand why people had sandwiches for breakfast – for him, they were lunch. He checked his plane ticket again, confirming that his flight to England was at 11am. He took a sip of his tea. Tea with lemon isn’t sweet, but it’s bitter, he thought. Another thing he couldn’t accept. He would much rather have tea with milk, but he’d just used the last of the milk in his cornflakes.

There was a knock at the door. It was his friend Charles. He used to see Charles quite a lot in the old days, but not as much now that he had changed jobs. They had worked together at another school. They both walked into the bedroom, where Bobby began to pack his suitcase for the trip to see the Browns.

“In what order do you usually pack your suitcase to go on holiday Bobby?” Charles asked.
“Well, first I put in the shoes, then normal clothes, then cosmetics and finally towels.” Bobby replied.
“Come on then, we’d better get you to the airport.” Charles said. “Sometimes I wonder. Is it quicker to fly to England than to go by train and ship?”
“Usually, yes. But I was stuck at an airport for two days once, due to bad weather. In that case, no.” Bobby frowned at this memory.

They drove to the airport, listening to Led Zeppelin on the wireless.
“Hey Bobby, what do you think this town is lacking in more than anything else?” Charles asked.
“Well, I think this town is lacking in good roads more than anything else. This journey is awful, I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster!” Bobby laughed.

They arrived at the airport, and said their goodbyes. Bobby walked up to the check-in desk to be greeted by an attractive girl in a smart uniform. He noted that an attractive girl isn’t necessarily a beautiful girl, but is one that attracts people’s attention because she is interesting and pleasing to look at. This girl was definitely that. He handed over his passport. She looked at it with interest, as it wasn’t Polish, but was British.

“Excuse me sir, I have a question. When you apply for a passport, what do you have to state on the application form? I’m curious. Is it different than here in Poland?”
“Well,” Bobby replied, “When I apply for a passport, I have to state my name, date of birth, hometown, sex and address on the application form.”
“Wow, that is different! Enjoy your flight sir!” She winked at him. Attractive indeed. He walked off, and boarded his flight to England. When the plane takes off, I must fasten my seat-belt around myself, he remembered.