Christmas Tree

It’s that time of year again, when kids are excited and parents are exhausted. Christmas is the busiest time of the year for some, especially Santa; I heard that he recently bought a BMW for each of his elves in order to help him deliver the presents. The world’s population has increased somewhat since the days of sleighs and reindeer.

If you would like to join Tom and Ryan for a game of pool/snooker, sign up for the Callan School Snooker Championships. It will be on Wednesday at 21:30.

Christmas Humour:

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
Snowballs.

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"


Merry Christmas Everybody!!

The Adventures of Bobby Callan #12

They had been walking for three hours or more when Bobby decided that they should rest. ‘I can walk no farther; I must rest,’ Miss Brown had said. Bobby was sure he had heard those words somewhere before.
They sat down under a nearby tree. The jungle reminded Bobby of a question from book four:
‘Supposing there was a place, shall we say, somewhere in the jungle…’
He knew it so well; he even knew the number of the page it was on: six hundred and eighty-nine. The difference was, that instead of looking for a million pounds’ worth of gold, he was looking for the man who had written the question: Robin Callan, the inventor of the Callan method.
‘It’s so hot,’ Miss Brown said, wiping the sweat from her forehead.
‘Perhaps it is on account of past atomic bombs and nuclear explosions having disturbed the upper atmosphere,’ Bobby replied.
Miss Brown said nothing; she had closed her eyes and was trying to sleep.
‘I’ll go and look for food,’ Bobby said. Miss Brown simply nodded her head, not realizing that he had just used the construction, ‘verb + and + verb.’

An hour later, Bobby had found a tree bearing exotic fruit and had begun gathering in the harvest when a voice echoed from behind,
‘That’s my tree!’
He turned around and saw a large man, semi-naked, with long hair and a nose like a boxer’s.
‘The use of a possessive adjective implies ownership’, Bobby replied, ‘and I’m quite sure that this tree does not, in fact, belong to you; it is not yours, you do not own it.’
The man put his fists up, ready to fight. ‘Never fight a man who’s uglier than you are,’ Bobby’s father had once told him (this is the best piece of advice a father can give his son). Bobby wondered if a small man who knew judo would be a match for a big man who knew how to box. Unfortunately, Bobby did not know judo. He was about to run away when the man suddenly received a blow on the head and fell to the ground unconscious. Miss Brown was standing there with the branch of a tree in her hand. ‘Thank God you’re here!’ he exclaimed. They quickly tied the man’s hands behind his back and, after assuring the knots were tight, began to eat the fruit Bobby had collected.
‘Do you fill your stomach completely when you eat?’ Miss Brown asked. Bobby did not answer; he just looked on in horror as the caveman type of person lying on the ground in front of them started to move.
‘Let me go!’ the man demanded.
‘Not until you tell us who you are,’ Bobby said.
‘I’m Bertrand Russell, the famous philosopher who believes that half the world spends its time clearing up the mess made by the other half.’
The man is obviously insane, Bobby thought.
Upon further enquiries, they learned that he had gone on board ship to say goodbye to a friend and had remained on board after the ship had left port, arriving in Thailand after a two-day voyage at sea. The man had been living in the jungle for the past six months after escaping from the police; he had been charged with the crime of riding a bicycle at night without lights.
‘If you lead us to the caves near the city of Phetchaburi, we’ll let you go,’ Bobby said. ‘You have my word.’
‘I have very little faith in other people’s word,’ the man replied.

Which Conditional Should I Use?

http://web2.uvcs.uvic.ca/elc/studyzone/410/grammar/allcnd1.htm

This week’s edition by: David

Welcome to another edition of the Speedo Newsletter. There isn’t a lot happening in the school this week, but I have news of two clubs and a party to tell you about. We also have news of a birthday and the latest episode of “The Adventures of Bobby Callan”. Read on and enjoy!

First up is news of this month’s Cinema Club with Chris and myself. This takes place on Saturday 15th, and this month’s film is called “The Heartbreak Kid”. It is a comedy with Ben Stiller, so if you would like to see it, sign up with the secretaries and meet us at Cinema City at 5pm.

The second club is Snooker Club, with Ryan and Tom. This is next Wednesday, the 20th, at 9.30pm. If you would like to take part in the Snooker or Pool World Championships, sign up with the secretaries!

Also this week is the yearly Kids Party, with myself and Bob. This is also on Saturday 15th, from 12.45pm until 2.15pm. However, places are limited to 20, so if you would like to come or your child would like to come, sign up with the secretaries right now! There will be fun and games, and is an opportunity for all you parent who need to do Christmas shopping to do so without the kids!

This week sees the birthday of one of our teachers, Ryan. This is on Saturday, so if you see him, wish him many happy returns of the day!

Joke:
Q: What is Santa Claus’ first language?
A: North Polish!(this joke came from Caroline, a teacher some of you may remember from last year….)

The Adventures Of Bobby Callan – Part Eleven


Bobby and Miss Brown stepped off the plane at Bangkok International Airport. This time, it was not moving, so Bobby did no further damage to his ankle. The followed the crowd of people into the main terminal. It was terribly busy.
“Bobby, do you like being in a crowd?” Miss Brown asked?
“No, I don’t.” Bobby was not in a very good mood. They stood in line at Customs, where the customs officer glared at Bobby.
“What do you have in your bag?” he asked Miss Brown.
“Well, where do I start? I have cosmetics, ‘lady products’, my toothbrush…”
“That’s quite enough Miss. I will see as it passes through X-ray.”

They moved on, and collected their suitcases. Bobby led the way as he seemed to be in a hurry. He headed for the main doors of the airport, which were open. Miss Brown trailed behind. Bobby stepped outside, and immediately was rugby-tackled by two rather large men.
“Why on earth did you do that?!” Bobby cried. A short man stood over him.
“I’m sorry sir, but you walked through an open doorway in front of a woman” he said. Bobby’s head hurt. He was furious.
“In this country is it considered improper behaviour for a man to go through an open doorway in front of a woman?” Bobby was surprised.
“It’s not just considered improper behaviour, it’s a crime.” The man replied.

Bobby awoke the next morning in a small and damp prison cell. Miss Brown was on the other side of the bars.
“Would you like to see inside a prison Bobby?” she joked.
“Shut up.” Bobby replied. The small man stood next to Miss Brown.
“Bobby, as you are not aware of Thai customs, we will give you a chance to get out of here. All you have to do is name the nine ways in which the special verbs differ from normal verbs.” Bobby wondered if this man was a sadist, but smiled.
“Easy. In interrogatives, the verb usually comes before the subject. Their negatives are formed by adding ‘do not’. They are used as auxiliaries, used in tail questions and short answers. They are used to be emphatic, do not take ‘s’ in the third person present simple and finally are followed by certain adverbs.” Bobby felt smug.

After Bobby’s release, another small man approached them. He was even smaller than the first guy.
“I understand you are looking for Mr Callan. I have information, but it will cost you dearly… dearly… dearly…” he said, his voice echoing rather mystically.
“Name your price!” Miss Brown said.
“I want Bobby’s hat… hat… hat…” the man said.
“Is that all?” Bobby handed over his cheap, imitation Sherlock Holmes deerstalker.
“Follow the river downstream, about 100km.. You will come to a city called Phetchaburi. Near there are some caves, and inside is a Buddhist temple…”
“A temple? Isn’t that where people go to worship?” Miss Brown asked.
“Er, yes. Shut up. Follow the river….” The man seemed to disappear.
“Wait!” Miss Brown cried. “Tell me some of the sights one might see if one went to Phetchaburi!” The man reappeared.
“Well, some of the sights one might see if one went to Phetchaburi are the caves of Khao Luang, the Phra Nakhan Khiri Fair and the Palace of Phrarajnivesmarugadayawan.”
The man disappeared again. Bobby and Miss Brown set off on their journey.

Last week, Brian gave a lecture on Ebonics. It was a great success. Seven students were down with that.

Mister T, however, was unable to attend.

If you are interested in learning something about American beer, I recommend going to Marshall’s lecture on Friday at 7:30pm.

Music Club is at London Pub, Plac Piastów on Saturday 8pm. Marcin will be performing his Working Men's Club Classics.

Also, Tom and Ryan’s Football Club is next Monday so get your name down in the secretaries’ office if you are interested.

The Adventures of Bobby Callan #10

At nine o'clock ante meridiem, Bobby got up and went about the usual business of washing and dressing. He liked to live a regular life; Miss Brown, on the other hand, thought that a life where one does things when one pleases was better. They would argue about it sometimes, each of them disagreeing with the other, but the argument rarely developed into a quarrel.

At ten thirty-two Bobby and Miss Brown were enjoying a full English breakfast in the hotel dining-room, the room in which one dines.
“How’s your sausage, Bobby?” Miss Brown asked.
“Fine. How are your eggs?”
“They’re OK. Bobby, how are we going to pay for all this now that we’ve run out of money?”
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’ll think of something.”
At ten fifty-four Bobby was explaining to the hotel manager how a giraffe had eaten his wallet.
“I see”, said the manager, “but tell me, Mr Callan, how could a giraffe possibly have eaten your wallet when there are no giraffes in Argentina?”
Bobby hesitated. He who hesitates is lost, he thought.
“Hang on”, he replied, “it wasn’t a giraffe. It was a gerund.”
“What on earth is a gerund?” the manager asked.
“It’s a verbal noun; that is, half a verb and half a noun and ends in -ing.”
He turned and quickly made for the exit.
“Stop that man!” the manager cried.
Bobby ran outside and got into the waiting car. Miss Brown was sitting in the driver’s seat.
“Drive!” he commanded.
“Is that the imperative of the verb ‘to drive’?” Miss Brown enquired.
“I couldn’t care less right now. Just drive the bloody car!”
Miss Brown pressed her foot down on the accelerator and the car pulled away at high speed.
“If they catch us”, Bobby said, “they’ll probably call the police, the police will come and arrest us, and we’ll be thrown into prison!”

They drove to the airport; it wasn’t far, in fact, it was a very long way. However, there was just one snag; they didn’t have any money left.
A one-armed man met them in the entrance hall.
“Congratulations!” the man said. “You are our one-billionth customer. You have won two tickets to a destination of your choice.”
Bobby could not believe his luck.
“We’re going to Thailand!” he said, pulling Miss Brown towards him in a joyful embrace.
“I’ve never been to Thailand,” she said.
“Neither have I.”
Although Bobby had never been to Thailand before, he had seen a television documentary once about ladyboys in Bangkok.
“The Asiatic races dress more for a hot climate,” said Miss Brown.
“So I’ve heard,” Bobby replied. “We’ll have to wear very light clothes so as not to suffer from the heat.”

“Yes, we’ll have to wear very light clothes in order not to suffer from the heat,” Miss Brown repeated without using the word ‘so’.