Welcome to the latest edition of The Speedo. Last week we had Music Club. Many people showed up. Great success, as Borat would say.

Word of the day:
worm /w3:m/

A worm is an animal with a long, soft body, no backbone or limbs e.g. earthworm, silkworm.

A worm is someone you don’t like very much. As a verb it means to move like a worm or win favour with someone e.g. he wormed his way into her affections.

A bookworm is a worm that eats books and it can also be used to refer to someone who likes reading very much. A bookworm is by far the most educated of worms.

Worm jokes:

Q. How can you tell which end of a worm is which? A. Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!

Q. What do you call it when worms take over the world? A. Global Worming.

Q. Why did the worm cross the playground? A. To get to the other slide.

Q. What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A. A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death!

Q. What is worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? A. Biting into an apple and finding a half of a worm!

Q. What happens to a worm that digs too far? A. It gets in-dig-estion

Q. What do you get when you cross a worm with an elephant? A. Big holes in your garden.

Q. What is the best advice to give a worm? A. Sleep late!

The Adventures of Bobby Callan #26

Bobby, Miss Brown and her father were all standing on a beach in what was believed to be Thailand. It wasn’t long before they realised that the place was deserted; that is, there weren’t any people apart from them. Bobby thought that the magic atlas wasn’t working properly; instead of sending them to Thailand it had sent them to a desert island in the middle of nowhere.
‘What are we to do now?’ Mr Brown asked.
Bobby gave the atlas a shake and they suddenly found themselves standing on top of a very high building.
‘Where are we now?’ Miss Brown enquired.
‘We’re standing on the top of a very high building,’ Bobby replied edging forwards. He looked over the edge; it was a very high building indeed.
‘Be careful, darling!’ Miss Brown cried; ‘if you fell to the ground from the top of this very high building you would certainly die.’
Miss Brown was suddenly blown off her feet by the wind. Luckily, Mr Brown caught her before she fell. If she had fallen she would probably have hurt herself. Did she fall? No, therefore it is a supposition in the past. Unfortunately, the wind blew the atlas out of Bobby’s hands and he watched it fall to the ground. In fact, the book landed on a man standing in the street (must we be on our guard when we buy something from a man standing in the street?) and he probably saw stars, perhaps little birds; as is the case when someone receives a blow on the head.
Bobby quickly made for the exit and ran down the stairs.
‘Wait for us!’ Miss Brown shouted.
Bobby was running so fast that he slipped and fell from the first-floor window. I scarcely need say that he hurt himself badly. Miss Brown noted the writer’s use of the defective verb need in a positive sentence.
‘Quick, call Bobby an Ambulance!’ said Mr Brown.
‘Bobby’s an ambulance!’ Miss Brown replied. (OK, I’ve done that joke before – writer’s block!)
The ambulance soon arrived and Bobby was lifted into the back of it. The Browns accompanied him to the hospital.
‘What’s the worst you’ve ever been hurt?’ Miss Brown asked her father.
‘The worst I’ve ever been hurt was when I fell off my bicycle after drinking a bottle of whisky, but that was before I met your mother.’

Bobby was taken to a special mental hospital for Callan teachers, but unfortunately, they had run out of needles and so could not give him an injection before his operation. Instead, they gave him a bottle of whisky to drink and a piece of leather to put in his mouth, just as they did in the old days.

The operation was successful and the next day Bobby awoke to the sound of Mr Brown snoring; he was sitting in a chair opposite the bed. Miss Brown, however, was nowhere to be seen. Bobby got up and went off to find her, trying his best to avoid the nurses walking along the corridors…


To be continued

The History of April Fools’ Day
The origin of April Fools' Day is not altogether clear, though the French and Dutch have descriptions of April-fooling dating back to the sixteenth century. New Year's Day was originally on the first of April before the Gregorian calendar was adopted in 1582. In France, anyone who disliked or did not hear about the change was sent mock presents on the first of April. This is according to Wikipedia; I'm not pulling anyone's leg!

The Dutch television news reported once in the 1950s that the Tower of Pisa had fallen over. Many shocked people contacted the station.

A Poem for April Fools' Day

There aren’t any clubs this week, but Marcin will be doing a lecture on the Kama Sutra this Friday. Ask the man himself for more information.

The Adventures of Bobby Callan #25

Bobby and Miss Brown were running down the street; they were being chased by several crapulous (drunk) men wearing afros and shouting insults. ‘Bobby Callan is gay!’ one of them shouted. Bobby was angered by this and he stopped running.
‘What are you doing? What are you doing?’ Miss Brown asked.
‘If someone says things about you which are not true, do you think it’s better to defend yourself or keep quiet?’
‘Well, if your life is in danger; I think it’s better just to run!’
Bobby turned to face the men; there were six of them. Miss Brown was standing behind him shaking with fear. One of the men stepped forward. He had the letters “MT” written on his T-shirt; Bobby wondered what they meant.
‘You’re a dead man, Bobby Callan!’ the man said, pointing his finger threateningly at him.
‘How do you know my name?’ Bobby asked.
Then Bobby noticed that one of them was carrying (not wearing) the magic atlas; it was not on his body, therefore he was carrying it. Inside was written “property of Bobby Callan”.
‘Give me back my magic atlas!’ Bobby demanded.
‘What does “give back” mean?’ the man asked.
‘It means “to return”’ he replied.
Suddenly, there was a flash of light and Mr Brown appeared.
‘Dad!’ Miss Brown said, surprised; ‘what are you doing here?’
‘No time for explanations,’ he said and began to attack the men. They stood and watched in amazement as Mr Brown defeated each of the six men with a combination of tai-chi and origami; it was quite a show. The man holding the atlas dropped it and ran away crying.
‘How did you get here?’ Bobby asked Mr Brown afterwards.
‘It was purely a snap decision by the writer; he thought it would be a nice addition to episode twenty-five.’
And a nice addition it was, too, as Mr Brown had saved them from certain death. Bobby would prefer to take poison or to be shot rather than to be beaten to death by six men wearing afros.
At five o’clock, Bobby and the Browns were sitting in a café drinking tea and eating a light meal consisting of ham, bread, and interrogative pronouns. Bobby was glad to have his magic atlas back, but was annoyed that some of the pages were missing.
Mr Brown insisted on taking his daughter back to Grantchester with him. After much debate, he gave Bobby an ultimatum: marry his daughter or be arrested for kidnapping. Naturally, Bobby chose the former of his options; besides he had grown quite attached to the eighteen-year-old Callan book star. Bobby was ten years her senior but it didn’t matter to her; she was infatuated with the globe-trotting gadabout, Callan teacher extraordinaire.
‘Can a man in Europe have two wives?’ he asked Mr Brown.
‘Certainly not!’ he replied angrily.

They decided to have the wedding in Thailand and, with the help of the magic atlas, the three of them soon found themselves on a beautiful sandy beach in south-east Asia.