Well, we’re back after a rather eventful Easter weekend. Hope you all had a great time, ate lots of food and spent some quality time with your families. I was in L’viv with some of the other teachers, and had quite an adventure…


NEWS

Don’t forget that this weekend is Music Club. Marcin is dying for you all to go there and heckle him during his performance. It’s at the Café Cynamon, on Zwycięstwa on Saturday 29th, at 7pm. Ask Marcin for further information about tickets (even though he said not to ask him, he knows more than I do about it!)

That’s about it on the news front. We’re all slowly getting back into the swing of things. Normal service will resume shortly!


FUNNY POEM…

I found this poem online. It’s quite appropriate for Polish classrooms!

“I SHOULD HAVE STUDIED” by Bruce Lansky

I didn’t study for the test
and now I’m feeling blue.
I copied off your paper
and I flunked it just like you.


WORD OF THE DAY

“FLUNK” – this means to fail, i.e. to get below 60% in your Callan tests!



The Adventures of Bobby Callan – Part Twenty Four

Bobby and Miss Callan walked down a random street in a random city.
“Bobby, what is the capital of Malta?” Miss Brown asked.
“I haven’t the foggiest. I’ve never been to Malta before,” Bobby replied.
“Well, for your information it is Valletta, and happens to be this random city we are in,” Miss Brown said.
“That’s all well and good Miss Brown, but do you really know where we are?”
“Not the slightest,” Miss Brown laughed. “So when you get lost in a large city, who do you ask?”
“Usually the first person I meet. It’s easier that way” Bobby said.
“What is the first thing you notice when you meet people for the first time?”
“Well, er…” Bobby’s voice trailed off. He was looking straight ahead. Miss Brown looked puzzled. A robotic sound pierced the air. Bobby walked over to the source of the sound. It was an android.

“I AM MARSHALL, THE DURACELL ANDROID” it stated monosyllabically. Miss Brown noted the author’s addition of ‘-ly’ to an adjective to form its adverb, and questioned in her own mind the legitimacy of this particular example, and also how she managed to notice it. She smiled.
“Er, hello… I’m Bobby Callan. We are lost, would you be so kind as to help us?”
“CERTAINLY. I HAVE BEEN SENT HERE BY THE ALMIGHTY DURACELL CORPORATION TO PROMOTE ITS AMAZING LONG LIFE BATTERIES. HOWEVER, I AM DUE A BREAK SO I HAVE NO PROBLEMS WITH HELPING.”
“Ok, great, thanks. We have come to Malta and had our magic atlas stolen. Members of the general public did nothing, as expected. We must get it back!”
“SO I’VE HEARD. I KNOW OF YOUR PLIGHT, BOBBY CALLAN, AND I CAN LEAD YOU TO THE NEXT CLUE.” Bobby noted the android’s use of so when someone says something he already knows.
“Oh, you do eh? How is that?”
“I HAVE SEEN THE DISTANT FUTURE. IN FACT, I AM FROM THE DISTANT FUTURE” Miss Brown noted the use of the word distant before a noun, instead of the word far.
“If I could see into the distant future, I’d like to see myself rid of this quest for Mr Callan.”
“DO NOT WORRY, IT WILL BE OVER EVENTUALLY.”
“Yeah, but we use eventually for something that will happen in the future but don’t know when. That is not comforting, it could be years!”
“AS I SAID, I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE.”

Bobby and Miss Brown were walking along a street full of bars when a man staggered out of one which looked like a 70’s theme bar. He even had an afro wig on. He was extremely drunk.
“Excuse me, hadn’t you better drink less if you don’t want to get drunk?” Bobby asked. The man gave him a look that could only be described as angry. He stumbled over to Bobby and swung a fist at him.
“Bobby, why is it some people want to fight the moment they get drunk?” Miss Brown asked.
“I’m not sure. Callan says it’s because some people lose all moral sense and that the little animal that is deep down inside rises to the top and wants to fight, as is the nature of all animals”.
“How ridiculous,” Miss Brown said.
“Quite. And I have no intention of hanging around for him to hit me!” They ran.

Last Saturday, some of the teachers and students from Speed were present at the London Pub for a Saint Patrick’s day celebration, which basically involved drinking Guinness and singing along to songs played by Marcin. It was a good crack, as they say in Ireland.

Guinness is the best-selling drink of all time in Ireland; the company makes over two billion euros every year. They say the perfect pint of Guinness takes about two minutes to pour, which is why we always have to wait a bit longer when we order it from the bar.

Drinking Slang
Drink link: A cash machine (Bankomat).
To get plastered: To get drunk e.g. let’s go out and get plastered.
Drink shrink: Those who, after a few drinks, discover they have the ability to psychoanalyze and offer solid personal advice to their friends and/or strangers.
Grog monster: The part of the brain that insists you keep drinking long after you should have gone home and passed out (become unconscious).

There aren’t any clubs or lectures this week so sit back and enjoy the latest episode of Bobby Callan. All that remains for me to say is..

“have a good Easter!”

How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?

Only one – after that it’s not empty any more!
Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke?

It might crack up!
How does Easter end?

With the letter R!

The Adventures of Bobby Callan #23

Due to technical difficulties (err, OK I admit it was my fault!) Bobby Callan is only available as an image file, so click on the picture to read it.

This week’s edition by: David

Hello, good evening and welcome to this week’s Speedo Newsletter. Unlike last time I wrote, we have a rather busy calendar of events for you. Read on for more information and the next thrilling episode of Bobby Callan…

NEWS

First up is Tai Chi Klub, with Marshall. This is your monthly dose of wellness and spirituality, so if you want to attend see the secretaries. This takes place on Saturday 15th, at 2pm in Room 7.

Next up is Marcin and Daniel’s Music Club. This month, Marcin will actually be attempting to entertain you himself. Of course, he will be ably assisted by the rest of his group, Papilla. Also, you won’t have to travel too far, as it takes place in the Café Cynamon, on Zwycięstwa. Be there or be square on Saturday 29th, at 7pm. Ask Marcin for further information!

Also this month we will have a couple of lectures, from Ryan and Paul. I have no idea what the subjects of these are yet, but keep your eyes peeled for more information. Or you could just harass either of them in the corridor. A much better idea!


ST PATRICK’S DAY

This weekend sees one of the most important events in the year, for everyone! St Patrick’s Day is one of those rare celebrations had by all, irrespective of race, religion or gender. It is an international excuse to drink Guinness, sing songs by The Pogues on karaoke and generally toast the renowned hospitality of the Irish. I will be, as I have Irish blood, and I’m sure other teachers will too.

Also, Marcin will be hosting an Irish-themed get-together at the London Pub on Plac Piastów on Saturday evening at 7pm. Now usually Paddy’s Day (as it is affectionately known) is on the 17th (this year being a Monday) but as it is the closest weekend it makes sense to have it on Saturday!

The Adventures of Bobby Callan – Part Twenty-Two


Bobby turned the page of the atlas. The carelessly-dressed men closed in on them. Miss Brown tugged at Bobby.
“Can’t you do something?” she cried.
“Er, hang on.” Miss Brown noted Bobby’s use of Idiom 1. Bobby turned another page. The surrounding people closed in even further. Miss Brown screamed. It was a deafening scream, the kind that gets you noticed in the street. The men shrank back, a look of terror on their faces. One of them fainted.
“Ah, Miss Brown, that was just the job. Now we can make our escape.” Miss Brown stared blankly, noting Bobby’s use of Idiom 12. Bobby took her hand and they ran through the trees. This time they did not come across a lion.

After a few minutes of running, in which Miss Brown had proved she could run faster than Bobby, they stopped to catch their breath. Bobby looked at Miss Brown, exasperated.
“Why on earth didn’t the atlas work? I can’t stand it when things don’t go my way. It’s driving me round the bend!” Miss Brown wondered if Bobby had hit his head, as he had used Idioms 7, 10 and 28 in one sentence.
“Bobby, why are you using so many idioms today?” she asked.
“In a nutshell, I have no idea what you are on about. I make snap decisions all the time as to what I say.” Idioms 17, 36 and 38. Miss Brown slapped Bobby hard.
“Snap out of it! Can’t you see that it’s getting me down? I am putting my foot down, no more idioms!” She stopped, and realised that she had used Idioms 15 and 31. She was aghast.
“For heaven’s sake! It’s getting on my nerves! It must be some sort of after-effect from the atlas. You use it and it feels so strange. Sometimes I just don’t know if I am coming or going with you Bobby!” Idioms 4, 21 and 29.
“I think you have hit the nail right on the head Miss Brown! Either that or you are pulling my leg with that magical story. I think we had better watch our step with this atlas!” Idioms 13, 14 and 16. Suddenly, there was a scream from the trees. The men had caught up and were running at top speed towards them.
“Quick Bobby, do something!” Miss Brown cried. Bobby opened the atlas at a random page.
“I’m doing this completely off the cuff Miss Brown, so you had better keep your fingers crossed and touch wood. I’ll try not to let you down.” he said. Idioms 6, 39, 43 and 44. He muttered some random words. There was a blinding flash, and the trees disappeared.

Bobby opened his eyes. He was on his back, and the sky above was blue. It was a perfect day, wherever he was. He stood up. It appeared he was on a cruise ship. He walked around, looking for Miss Brown. He asked a passenger where the destination was, and found out they were in the Mediterranean.
“Isn’t that the name of the sea between Europe and North Africa?” he asked.
“Yes, now leave me alone” the passenger said.

Bobby found Miss Brown in the ship’s casino.
“What are you doing here? I thought we were hard up?” he asked.
“Yes, but I have just won at blackjack. They offered me a choice. Either ten thousand pounds now or forty thousand pounds in ten years.”
“My, what a lucky break. I guess we can let ourselves go for a while….”

Last weekend, the teachers went to Szczyrk and had a jolly good time, despite the wet weather. Hopefully, there will be some photos on the website for you to have a look at. This week, there are two clubs: Film Club and Conversation Club. See the posters around school for more details.

What’s this? What’s this?
It’s a frog on a motorbike. If you were a frog and you wanted to go from here to the nearest town by motorbike, how long would it take you?

What sound does a frog make?A frog croaks. The word “croak” is also slang for “to die” e.g. the old man croaked last week.

A little girl walks up to her grandfather and says:
"Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa says:
"Why do you want me to do that?"
And the little girls says:
"Well, Daddy said that when you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland!"

Have We Evolved?
http://www.funnypoets.com/poems/haveweevolved.htm


The Adventures of Bobby Callan #21

The wind whistled in Bobby’s ears. ‘What’s the main wind in this part of the world?’ Miss Brown asked. ‘I’ve no idea,’ Bobby replied.
They were standing on the top of a mountain in South America; Bobby hadn’t a clue where they were exactly, but he had put his faith in Santa’s magic atlas, believing this to be the place where the elusive Robin Callan was hiding. Bobby’s voice echoed through the hills and valleys as he called out Robin’s name. ‘What’s the past participle of the verb “to do”?’ cried Bobby. To his amazement, a voice replied, ‘done!’
‘Did you hear that?’ Miss Brown said excitedly; ‘I think it came from over there.’ She pointed at the woods in the distance.
They quickly hurried down the mountain, trying not to slip on the rocks. Bobby knew that if one of them fell they could hurt themselves badly and would have to be taken to hospital.

An hour later, they were walking through the woods. It was quite dark beneath the trees and somewhat cooler. Suddenly, they heard a movement. They stopped and listened. Miss Brown could see something moving behind some bushes.
‘Is that a deer, dear?’ she asked.
‘I dare say it is a deer, dear; as deer mostly live in the woods.’
‘I had no idea, dear.’
Then they heard the voice again ― ‘Done!’ The deer ran away and they could see a man coming towards them. Bobby’s heart began to beat faster.
It must be Robin Callan, he thought; finally I have found him.
‘Done!’ the man said as he approached. He was a small man of about five feet tall, with a grey beard and dark, little eyes.
‘Are you Robin Callan?’ Bobby asked him. The man seemed to be confused and just stared at Bobby.
‘Done!’ he said.
‘Who are you?’ Bobby asked impatiently.
‘Done! Done!’ came the reply.
To every question he asked, the man simply replied, ‘done’.
Surely this can’t be Robin Callan, thought Bobby.
Miss Brown pulled at Bobby’s arm and they decided to continue walking. Bobby wanted to ask him one last question. ‘What’s the paradigm of the verb “to do”?’ The man did not respond, so Bobby prompted him. ‘Do.. Did..’
‘Done!’ the man replied.
‘Well done,’ Bobby praised.
‘Done! Done! Done!’ the man shouted.
People started to appear from behind the trees; strange-looking people in dirty clothes, all of them shouting, ‘Done! Done! Done!’
‘Oh dear!’ Miss Brown said; ‘what have you done?’
They were surrounded by some of the most carelessly dressed people Bobby had ever seen.
‘We’re done for,’ said Bobby; ‘or, to put it in other words, I think we’re in great danger.’
‘Does one become careless when one is in great danger?’ Miss Brown asked. Bobby did not reply; he was looking at the magic atlas.